Much Ado about Everything Else
by Simple-Minded Idiot
Summary: Wherein Naruto likes his teacher, Kakashi thinks that Naruto likes really old men, Sakura likes man on man, and Sai, Sasuke, and Itachi might just find “family” in each other. It is a most dysfunctional confession.


This one's for **Kaikouken**.

Posted here because there's no need to fiddle around with the html codings when it comes to the italics and all.

* * *

As usual, everything starts with a drunk Naruto. 

Well, nowadays, a lot of things happen ever since Naruto started to drink – which has been five years and counting. Horrific things, humorous things.

It also doesn't help that the alcohol won't affect his health at all. Save for the monstrous headaches.

Ah, well, a drunk Naruto.

"I like punching people I don't like, 'tteba!" he sings.

It also doesn't help that Naruto secretly liked to sing. He usually lets out his _inborn talent_ out during the times he's drunk off his senses.

Naruto is a really horrible singer.

Sasuke knows. He has, as surprising as it might sound, a musical ear. He doesn't have merely sharp hearing. He can actually tell notes apart from each other. He's different that way from other ninja. Of course, people have always known that Sasuke was a great exception to everything. A paradox even, if you may.

Other people know that Naruto has a horrible voice. Because Sasuke usually kicks the guy into unconsciousness.

But this time, Sasuke's wasted enough to not care that Naruto is being horrendously off-key as usual.

Sasuke is depressed. It, of course, isn't something that he shows.

Big brother comes back and blows off everything. In reality, Sasuke is a kid that's all grown up – still a kid and might always be as he never really did finish his childhood. A lot of people think of him as an adult though, what with the way he's so cool and stuff when it comes to missions and revelations that usually shock most.

Sasuke's life revolves around the concept of _family_. He can be very touchy about it.

Especially now that Itachi is back. And living with him – it's one of Tsunade's ways to punish Sasuke from ever having hurt her precious Naruto.

Sai also lives with Sasuke nowadays. He's posing as the ANBU that monitors Itachi.

Naruto can also be sensitive. He goes out of his way to spend some time with Sasuke and get the two of them drunk. Drunk enough for Sasuke to be not woe-ful as he usually is now that Itachi's in Konoha and also knowing that he can't kill Itachi. Drunk enough for Naruto himself to forget about everything else.

Not that Naruto needs booze to forget something. He already does enough forgetting even if he isn't under alcoholic influence.

"And my name is Uzumaki Naruto!" Naruto screams.

It's really singing for Naruto. It just... sort of sounds like a scream to everyone else.

"Add a _shannaro_ to that," Sasuke mutters.

"Nah! You should know by now that that's Sakura-chan's line!" Naruto exclaims.

Sasuke hums in agreement. That word's Sakura's punchline. Still, it will have looked good on Naruto's line. Really good.

Sasuke considers being a bard once he decides to retire from the hassling and hectic life of a ninja. Unfortunately, he doesn't consider being a bard at all. There's no such thing as retiring from being a ninja. Once you're one, you're one until the day you die.

Unless, you know, you were super cool like the Legendary Sannin and all.

"I like a lot of things and a lot of people!" Naruto's voice rings throughout the empty street.

Sasuke's surprised that nobody hasn't bothered to silence Naruto.

"And one of those people is my teacher!" Naruto says. "I like 'im a lot, too! More than anyone in the world! I love him, I love him. I love him like I love ramen!"

Sasuke snorts. Naruto really must be in love.

Naruto's logic is screwed up just like that. And Sasuke's fine with it because he can understand it the way he can never understand why he still has so many people fawning over him despite having betrayed Konoha and causing a lot of damage before.

Helen of Sparta has a face that can launch a thousand ships.

Uchiha Sasuke has a face that almost everyone can never get tired of looking at.

At least that's what everyone's been saying nowadays. They're probably right.

"Who's this teacher of yours then?" Sasuke asks just for the sake of asking. And probably stopping Naruto from singing anymore. He's already feeling the repercussions of drinking beyond his limit which isn't at all something to be proud about in the first place. Naruto's singing just makes everything worse.

Naruto pauses for a bit before that silly little grin of his appears on his face.

"Kakashi-sensei, of course!" he exclaims.

"But Kakashi didn't teach you," Sasuke points out. "At least he didn't really teach you."

Naruto frowns and his eyebrows furrow.

"Oh, sure, teme, go ahead and point out that it seems as if the old man has a thing for you," Naruto says, sounding rather sour about it all.

"Okay, wait, are we still talking about Kakashi or that... other perverted teacher of yours?" Sasuke asks. "He's only thirty-six. Not that old."

"He's thirty-six?! How come I never knew that!"

"Because you fail and you don't have a guide book."

"WHAT GUIDE BOOK?!"

A gasp can be heard from the shadows of an alley nearby the two of them. They shrug it off.

They're drunk off their asses. They won't care at all if they died that moment. Rather, they won't even know what hit them.

* * *

Jiraiya stands stiffly. He looks almost like a statue. 

Jiraiya is horrified.

His star pupil... is smitten with a man. And not just any man. A man older than him by fourteen years. FOURTEEN YEARS.

Jiraiya, the meddling old coot that he is, thinks that he should do something.

* * *

Naruto's the center of the whole plan. Sai's the back-up ninja. Itachi's there because Sai's supposed to be watching over him. 

And Jiraiya's the instigator. As always.

"Why'd you call us out here, ero-sennin?" Naruto asks. There's a bit of a moan in his words that suggest that he's in pain.

Killer hang-over. As expected of last night's activities.

Jiraiya thinks that it's karma.

"You're here to do something that no man has ever done before," he says.

"What's that?" Sai asks.

Itachi, by this time, is already blissfully tuning them out. As he always does with everything else nowadays. Things in Konoha just are boring.

He dreams of doing evil things with his Mangekyou. He knows that it's impossible now. They've got his chakra sealed up for the most part. He's got no more sight and that's the only thing important to an Uchiha aside from their hands. His state right now is insufferably pitiable. But Itachi refuses to die or to kill himself. He has his pride.

He's the wall that Sasuke has to overcome.

"You're to... peek at Tsunade-hime's student and bring a picture of it!" Jiraiya exclaims. "This'll be a test of your stealth."

Sakura-chan is certainly more than well-endowed. Many hot-blooded men have desired seeing her in all of her naked glory, but none have ever done so. Mostly, they were quite afraid that she'll beat them to death if they did so.

In Konoha, it's almost always the scary women that have the best figures.

Naruto grins. But he knows that Sakura-chan will forgive him. They're a team – Team 7.

Naruto'll show all of them. His stealth skills have vastly improved. Improved to the point that it even beat that of Sasuke's!

(Of course, by this time, perhaps one is inclined to think that maybe Naruto's bluffing far too much.)

Yamato-taichou's face suddenly pops up in his head. Naruto's long since forgotten the words of his oh-so-wise once-upon-a-time stand-in teacher.

* * *

Sakura sneezes. 

"Catching a cold?" Sasuke asks.

He doesn't need a sick teammate. It's more of a burden than a profit.

Sakura shakes her head with a smile on her face. She thinks that he's worried for her.

He is. In a way. Just not the way he wants him to be.

That's how Sasuke and Sakura are when they're together. Filled with pretensions, but there's just something in it that makes it livable.

The two of them continue to plow through the field. This is definitely the last time they're doing D-class missions.

* * *

Sakura likes taking baths. 

She doesn't like people peeking on her. Unless, to some extent, that person is Sasuke-kun. At least that means that he's somehow interested in her.

But Sasuke-kun, alas, is far too chivalrous for such a notorious deed.

In their team, it'll most likely be Naruto doing the peeking.

And then Sai may be there just to tag along.

From Sakura's mouth (or vocal cords) come forth a battle cry.

Naruto has never felt that scared in his whole life.

* * *

Jiraiya thinks that perhaps he has made a bad decision. It seems as if Sakura has contributed to Naruto's growing interest in his once-upon-a-time jounin instructor. 

Jiraiya's decision-making abilities are just as worse, if not more, than Tsunade's gambling luck.

* * *

Itachi is surprisingly good with sermons. Or so that's what Naruto's been made to think. Tsunade, after all, shepherded him and Sai to the man to try and lessen their perverted tendencies. 

According to her, Itachi's no longer any threat. He's already blind. Sai, as far as Naruto knows, is merely there for the extra precaution. Therefore, it'll be alright to make him handle Naruto and Sai's supposedly still virgin minds.

_I do not like Sai at all. But if Sasuke-kun is so fixated on him, I guess that he's alright. I'll forgive him this time. Though, once Sasuke-kun is already bored of that _guy_, I'll make sure to make him feel a lot of pain. The same also goes for Naruto, that idiot._

_-- Sakura_

Naruto wonders how the hell Sakura got the idea that Sasuke is _fixated _on Sai. Perhaps it is because she thinks that Sasuke already thinks of Sai as a brother – wherever the hell that idea came from.

When it comes to Sasuke, Sakura ends up showing her, er, more innocent side of thinking. More or less. Depends on the situation.

"You shouldn't have just drawn a picture of her – or peeked at her the very least – and adhered to that old man's whims, Sai, or followed that idiotic friend of yours," Itachi comments. "Women are known to hold grudges."

"Of course... oniisama," Sai says.

He's still a bit unused to calling someone a brother.

(Itachi had adopted Sai into the family without Sasuke's consent. Not that Sasuke would've cared about that anymore. Though Sasuke did, at first, think that perhaps Itachi truly was missing a few screws loose when he said that Sai was now officially an Uchiha, too. With or without the documents.)

"Why do a lot of women like Sasuke then?" Sai asks. "He's walked into their part of the bathhouse before and he didn't get mauled by anyone. Rather, it was a bit of an opposite reaction."

"Otouto," Itachi corrects.

"Why do a lot of women like... otouto?"

"It's because he's the picture perfect definition of a tragic hero. People like those kinds of people. Women like him enough that they don't mind him being amongst them while in their supposedly vulnerable or relaxed state."

"Why don't they like Naruto then?"

"It's because otouto actually looks good while looking tragic and pitiful. The Kyuubi jinchuuriki, if you've noticed, looks constipated whenever he tries to be sad. That's why he tries to be happy most of the time. He seems to already be aware of his awful facade whenever he tries to put himself in a deplorable state."

"Why doesn't Sakura-san like me, then?"

"You don't have feelings, Sai."

"Why don't you call me otouto, too?"

"It would be confusing. Sasuke is also my otouto."

"Ah."

"Am I a good brother?"

"I don't know. Maybe."

"Do you like that Haruno-girl?"

"Why do you ask?"

"It's one of the duties of older brothers to interrogate their younger brothers about these sort of things."

Sai nods. He gets it now.

Naruto arches an eyebrow. He pities Sasuke. The guy has one hell of a fucked up family.

Both Itachi and Sai aren't meant to be brothers. They both don't know the concept of it. It's even worse when they're pitted together with Sasuke. Sai has no feelings, Itachi's borderline psychotic as all geniuses are, and Sasuke... just doesn't do family anymore.

"Okay," Naruto says, interrupting Itachi and Sai's brotherly conversation, "I'm off."

"Where are you going?" Itachi asks, his now-gray-colored eyes shifting to where he thinks Naruto is.

Naruto thinks that it's creepy the way Itachi's eyes seemingly manage to look at his eyes directly. Makes him think that maybe Itachi isn't blind at all.

"To stalk Kakashi," Naruto says.

"I see," Itachi says. "Just come back here tomorrow to resume your part of the talk."

Naruto snorts. As if he'll come back to _this_.

"Sasuke will be coming to get you if you aren't here by eight in the morning," Sai adds.

"That's otouto," Itachi says. "Remember that Sai."

"Of course... oniisama."

Sai thinks that this whole "brother thing" will need a lot of his concentration.

He also thinks that maybe he's learning something. Perhaps he'll see Itachi and Sasuke as his real brothers someday.

"Good bye, Naruto," Sai says.

"Yeah, yeah," Naruto says, dragging out his words a bit.

The jinchuuriki then jumps off the nearby window.

"Oniisama," Sai says after a bit of silence.

Itachi nods, gesturing that it's alright to talk.

"Can you tell me about love?" Sai continues.

* * *

"Would you like to eat before you go home?" Sasuke asks Sakura. 

He gets the feeling that maybe it won't be for the best of his sanity if he went back to his house right that instant.

"Sure, Sasuke-kun!" Sakura chirps.

She's still as pleasantly smitten with him as ever.

She's beginning to like their two-man missions. Everyone else can loan Naruto to do their dirty work all alone. At least for just a certain amount of time. Naruto's still Naruto and they're just not Team 7 without the guy.

"Yo!" someone greets.

"Ah, Kakashi," Sasuke says. It's his way of greeting.

"Kakashi-sensei," Sakura says, controlling herself to the best of her ability.

Knowing Sasuke-kun and his naivete when it came to matters of love or women, he'll–

"Sakura and I were just about to eat," Sasuke says, "so would you like to come?"

The more people there are, Sasuke thinks, the more reason he'll have to not go home immediately.

Sakura silently bemoans the loss of something which could've been called a date.

"Sure thing!" Kakashi says with his _happy voice_.

Naruto, who's stalking Kakashi, is now sure that their teacher's almost always using his aforementioned happy voice whenever he's with Sasuke. Naruto is (teh) envious.

He actually makes the effort to make Kakashi happy and proud of him. Sasuke just remains his bastardly self and he's able to put a smile on that partially masked face.

... Oh shit. It seems very much as if Kakashi's in love with Sasuke.

"You know, while we're at it, we could go ahead and invite Naruto, too," Sakura says. "I'm sure that he's around here somewhere since Ichiraku is just around the corner."

She, too, is aware of Kakashi's apparent like for Sasuke.

Naruto gallantly walks away from the shadows and into the light, making himself fully known. He puts a grin on his face and waves at his teammates.

Still, a dinner with Kakashi was a dinner with Kakashi. And Naruto was a big opportunist.

Team 7 doesn't have a love triangle. They have a love quadrangle – a quadrangle that seems to defy all geometric definitions of a quadrangle. Sakura has never before thought that that one Greek mathematician that said that the universe revolved around mathematical principles was right. But now she does.

* * *

"Naruto likes one of his teachers." 

That was what was going through the proverbial ninja grapevine nowadays. And it being a ninja grapevine meant that the news went faster and more accurately with more bits of news being added every now and then.

This piece of juicy news had reached Kakashi's ears right now. And from Kurenai's mouth, too.

Kakashi shudders at the violent images of JiraNaruJira.

He has not once bothered to think that maybe the teacher they're all talking about is actually him.

Ever since that very day, Kakashi would stop cringing whenever he saw Naruto or Jiraiya. It isn't as if he doesn't approve of such relationships. It's just that, well, he's Kakashi. And the pairing isn't at all aesthetically pleasing.

* * *

"Sasuke, Sakura, now that Naruto's already found his path in life via Jiraiya, why don't the three of us make a threesome?" Kakashi asks, sounding rather pleased. 

Kakashi has decided that since the images of JiraNaruJira won't go away, perhaps making his own lovely images will counter them. KakaSasuSaku.

"WHAT?!" Naruto exclaims.

"Sensei?" Sakura asks. "Sensei, are you alright?"

"I'm in the springtime of my hormone-ridden adulthood," Kakashi states.

"... That's it," Sasuke says, "I'm going home. Itachi and Sai are more sane than all of you right now."

"You called?" somoene asks before Sasuke can even hightail it out of the scene.

It's Sai. It seems as if he and Itachi are out in their daily walk – a terrible time for the citizens of Konoha as most of them are either bedazzled or terrified by Itachi.

"What's happening?" Sai asks.

"Love confession," Sakura says.

It's really just as simple as that. Team 7 just is themselves and manage to make everything more complicated.

"But I like you!" Naruto says.

"Don't you like Jiraiya?" Kakashi asks. He's honestly astonished by Naruto's sudden proclamation of love.

Naruto makes a face – that very same face people make whenever they've eaten a lemon or something sour.

"WTH?!" Naruto exclaims. "Ero-jii?!"

"That should be _what the hell_," Sai pipes in (or up). "Kakashi-san might not get it."

"Sai, this is an emotional moment!" Sakura hisses. "So shut up!"

"Okay."

Kakashi's brows knot. He isn't that old. At least not old enough to not know what WTH meant.

"I never taught you, Naruto," Kakashi says. "That's why I can't be considered your teacher. Jiraiya was mostly the one who taught you enough for you to make your own techniques and so and so."

"Well, I still treat you as a teacher!" Naruto says. "The best one I ever had! And why does everyone keep on saying that you never taught me?"

"That's because that's what really happened," Sasuke murmurs.

Sakura can't help but agree.

Naruto's love for/of Kakashi is truly inspiring, but even Sakura can see that Kakashi hardly did anything to improve Naruto's skills. It's all Jiraiya.

"Oniisama, your staring game with that random cat is futile," Sai suddenly says.

"That's because he's blind," Sasuke says, "and telling him that will just make him stare at the cat even more. There's no use being honest when it comes to that bastard."

"Can I call oniisama a bastard, too, otouto?"

"Shut up, Sai!" Sakura screams.

"Why didn't you tell otouto to shut up? That seems very much unfair of you."

"Because he's _Sasuke-kun_!"

"That's unreasonable of you," Itachi says. "And I thought that you were supposed to be smart."

Sasuke then heatedly glares at Itachi. Goddammit all. Does Itachi purposely recognize everyone else's strengths except for his?

"Why can't all of you just shut up?!" Naruto asks. "Or go and solve this little family problem elsewhere?"

Sai thinks that he saw a bit of smoke coming out of Naruto's ears and nostrils. He thinks that it's funny, too.

"We're not having a family problem!" Sakura shrieks. "So you just go on and continue what you're saying!"

Luckily, Naruto's not that shy to not confess his feelings to someone in front of an audience. And luckily, Kakashi isn't offended by that.

Naruto may also be lucky in the fact that Kakashi adapts to things easily.

Maybe that's why when he swoops down to kiss Kakashi, the man kisses back. As if he's been waiting for it the whole time.

After a squeal of delight, Sakura faints. Sasuke catches her. Sai questions even more about the topic called love and Itachi gives off the wrong answers for the wrong questions. And Jiraiya tries to see if he can find another student.

Naruto ain't no stereotypical Casanova. And Kakashi, as mysterious as he is, isn't at all that cool or suave with his blunt perverse tendencies. But for some reason, Sakura finds herself rather inclined to the pairing.

Naruto grins as they kiss. It's not at all that romantic, but it's alright since he and Kakashi don't seem to be the best at romance.

"You need more practice," Kakashi says after Naruto pulls away.

"You only say that because you didn't take your mask off!" Naruto whines.

* * *

Comments? Suggestions? Please do. Dreadfully worried about how this'll turn out since, ah, it's my first attempt at writing the pairing. 


End file.
